A new beginning

One of the things I kept telling people as I was preparing to move to another country for a year was that I didn't feel nervous at all about the process. Did I feel unsure? yes. Did I question myself? yes. I remember one of my professors who wrote a reference for me asking if I could handle moving to Scotland. I told her yes, which I think surprised her. It surprised me too.

I understand the feeling of being nervous. I understand the feeling of being so paralyzed with self doubt that I can't move, I can't think, I can't even breathe without wondering what people are going to think of me, or if i'm doing the right thing. I've felt this on a normal day at school in high school. The worst feeling of nervousness I ever feel is when I am about to speak in front of a group at school. My chest hurts for days after because there is so much build up at those times. 

Why is it then that I could move to another country without feeling that extreme sense of doubt? After my mom left me in Scotland she texted me and said that I did it. I decided on this all by myself without thinking about other people and I made it. It was my time. Correction. It is my time. 

Strangely the process of moving to Scotland brought memories of another time I moved to a different country for an extended period of time. This was when I was 14. My family moved to New Zealand for 6 months.  That was another time I felt that chest throbbing pain of nervousness. I felt that almost daily. I don't talk about that time in my life a lot because it is painful to think about but at that time I let culture shock consume me and almost defeat me. 

Thinking about this doesn't make me scared for being in Scotland. It motivates me. In New Zealand I wasn't open to new things but today I am. As of this moment I can say that I have been away from Canada for almost a month and I am still alive. I haven't cried. I haven't questioned my decision. Just yesterday my mom asked if there was anything in Canada that I wished I had and I struggled to answer. It's not because I don't miss my country, but that looking back isn't what I want to do with this year.